The Devil’s Dictionary X
This version of the Devil’s Dictionary is an online version of the book, but not so much a different version, as a sequel. The “lexicographer” in this case, is referred to as simply “the devil.” Whether or not he or she is laughing, is unknown, though the affirmative is most likely scenario. Much of the Devil’s Dictionary X’s purpose to continue where Ambrose Bierce left off, or more aptly put, where he was unable to go because of the obvious social censorship that existed in the very early 20th century. The “about” page of the Devil’s Dictionary X is written in the purposely pedantic penmanship of a character that has great zeal for mocking the typical politically correct society, much the same as Bitter Bierce himself. The Devil’s Dictionary X began its tour of duty enlightening asses throughout the world in 1998 and continues, accepting definitions by mail and email from the current enlightened asses of the present.
Samples From The Devil’s Dictionary X
A
AA
1. very nearly a towing company; that which will take a broken down car eight-twelfths of the way to the nearest mechanic.
2. abrv, Anti-Agnostics.
3. a support group which offers the replacement of a once pleasurable addiction for an utterly displeasurable network of security.
Aardvark
an audacious creature chiefly remarkable for its length of tongue, fondness for ants, and precociousness in lexicons.
Able
sober; e.g., “I might not be able to make it to the project meeting.”
B
Baby
the generic term for the brand name Bundle of Joy™—the active ingredients of this product include: screams, green feces, and urine stained shirts; the inactive ingredient being, of course, joy.
Bachelor
1. a man whose entire wardrobe hangs down the backrest of his one chair.
2. one who, when forced to choose, will purchase an “oil can” of Foster’s beer over anything comparable in price.
Back
the physical feature by which your acquaintances can most readily recognize your mother.
Balanced
indifferent; happy.
Banker’s hours
10 a.m. to 4 p.m. with a longish lunch break, excepting major or postal holidays, feasts, and saints’ days—corresponding neatly with the French work calendar.
C
cab
a thrill ride minus the annual safety certification inspection.
cable
a vacuum for time and intellect based on the philosophy of power in numbers—that more channels equals superior selections.
cackle
the urban echo of grievances and complaints.
California
1. the land of uptight flakiness in casual-wear and a great pair of sunglasses.
2. the home of flakey uptightness in outrageously priced clothes and a casual pair of sunglasses.
3. an area of proud sports fanatics who seem not to understand the games they watch compulsively, as they will break out into riots whether their team wins or loses any major competition.
4. a bulky population of large-sized fanatical babies with just enough team-work to turn a car over, or break into a pawn shop without damaging stolen goods on the way out.
5. a factory which consumes tremendous amounts of electricity, natural resources, and foreign labor to produce oranges nearly as delicious as those from Florida, silicon wafers almost as good as those made in Japan, and some of the finest art Adam Sandler and Rob Schneider have to offer.
6. the nearly very liberal State which almost represents close to the farthest left of thinking in this kind of democratic country.
D
DARE
acronym, Drugs Are Really Excellent.
data
chiefly scientific usage: that which is malleable or ductile.
DBA
a computer science acronym for “don’t bother asking.”
dead
an absolute level of well-being which is identified by a profound resistance to stress and diseases as well as a marked tolerance to pain and hunger; perfect health.
deadline
1. an editor’s shameless display of authoritarian hypocrisy involving an arbitrary date and 1-20 weeks of presumable leeway.
2. what you’ll have to listen to in response the next time you see fit to call me at home.
death
1. a mere formality separating you from intimate personal acquaintance with the great lexicographer.
2. a step which, as often as not, precedes dishonor.
E
Earth Day
a holiday celebrated by a lot of stomping about and subsequent removal of topsoil in America’s parklands.
eBay
an online alternative to traditional collecting where mint condition means only kinda fucked-up.
economist
a devotee of chaos theory, without the math degrees; a person whose unbroken string of losses at Monopoly has spawned a vendetta against bankers and property holders; a weather man for economies.
see also weather man.
editor
1. one who cannot write; one whose chief form of self-expression is censure.
2. a goon with a red pencil and a talent for alliteration.
3. an old lady terrified that inclusion of the words alright, alot, and ain’t in standard English usage guides will somehow make life no longer worth living.
4. an incompetent writer who has learned the trick to never being criticized for awful writing: put someone else’s name on it.
F
FAA
1. Federal Anxiety Administration.
2. Federal Anal Assessors.
3. our nation’s expert logicians, who together have decided that stripping passengers of their right to privacy, removing all guarantees regarding their property, then cluttering as many of them into an airport at a time as possible provides an additional line of defense against fanatical terrorism; this theory is based on the astute assumption that terrorists, however shrewd, are entirely and exclusively bent on killing people once they are airborne.
fact
1. that which is objectively true.
2. something provable.
3. a quantifiable piece of information.
4. a good guess.
5. the way one remembers a thing.
6. adultery.
fad
the exaggerated and temporary interest in another’s over-blown and short-lived interest in a thing; the theoretical tipping point of monkey see, monkey do.
G
game
1. describing the state of mind of one willing to enter into criminal acts, e.g., “I’m game.”
2. an activity or competition, mental or physical, engaged in for amusement; popular American games include Chicken, Dr. Closet, Bury the Evidence, Pacify the Spouse, Espionage!™, Bling-Bling Booya-Boo, Off-Shore, Touch the Babysitter, Texas Divorce, and Soul Auctioneers.
gang
1. a small to large sized government body whose jurisdiction covers a couple of street corners and lasts until the police come and lay everybody down or send them scattering in every direction.
2. one of several to hundreds of uncooperative cliques per stagnant city; the cooperation of which any changes in such a city would decidedly depend upon.
garnish
descriptive noun referring to any blond on the stage or screen.
Gates, Bill
1. an ambitious man whose lack of personality at all times counterbalances his net worth.
2. a successful businessman whose creative achievements carry a lot more zeros than ones.
3. a cheap pair of glasses in front of a masterful criminal mind; a hundred-fifteen pound twit smiling while he shafts you or drives drunk; a poorly endowed buggering geek or jerk-off; every computer programmer’s Daddy.
gay
1. happy; joyful; more at queer.
2. Hindu cinema; see also Bollywood.
H
habeas corpus
a trivial entry in a list of words from a dead language now only of historical interest.
hacker
1. a self-involved twerp who considers a fraudulent or manipulative phone call to be computer programming.
2. a similar type of man-monkey that goes through youth smashing, deceiving, invading, violating, defacing, and stealing then cries like an 8-year-old girl once caught and given prison time.
3. one so devoid of creativity and the inspiration requisite for eureka moments, tireless systematic “hacking” of mind numbing digital minutia is the only way to accomplish anything of seeming intelligence.
4. any retard who can count to 255 and then a few numbers higher.
5. a post graduate D&D freak or Accutane addict who can type “rm -rf /” or URL encode a configuration string.
more at cracker.
haiku
1. sophistication for the simple.
2. in Japan a form of poetry which is by definition about the seasons and nature; in America any piece of crap seventeen syllables in length.
3. a writing exercise perfectly suited to special education.
Halotosis
a condition afflicting most hard core gamers.
Hamsterdam
what’s the matter with you? are you insane?